A Psychological Profile of Akane Tendo
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: A response to the often asked question "What is wrong with that girl?"
1. Spam One shot

I'm broke so there is no use suing me. I claim no ownership of any anime series, so Ha! Plus since I put 'any anime series' in here I can add any series I want in with no previous notice! You'll also note I have listed this under Parody! So all in all, it doesn't even have to make sense or follow cannon in the smallest detail!

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Psychological Profile of Akane Tendo

Akane Tendo at first glance appeared to be the first human to ever be afflicted with Mad Cow Disease. However further examination proved this to be false (Blood work came back negative).

Upon further examination the following diagnosis was rendered; Ms. Tendo seems to be suffering from severe abandonment issues stemming from the loss of her mother at a very young age. Consequently this seems to have retarded her emotional development. As having no proper example for male/female relationships has left her with no decent example on how a couple are expected to behave, when put into such a situation she has reacted inappropriately in the extreme.

She has since based her views on the actions of those she has been exposed to (See file on: Tatewaki Kuno manic/god complex/severe psychosis). Ms. Tendo has since learned to associate violence and/or anger with sexual attraction when it comes to the male gender. Her feelings towards the female gender have become somewhat confused as well since her engagement (See file on: Ranma Satome gender confusion/stunted emotional growth/possible retardation stemming from physical abuse and neglect/acute galeophobic).

Simply put, she is a nice girl but a violent maniac.

It is the opinion of this board that she continue being held in protective custody until such time as her violent, anti-social behavior can be curbed. A standard drug regiment of Prozac and Thorazine should prove effective against the majority of her outbursts until such time as therapy has been proscribed and completed successfully.

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"Oh my!" Kasumi exclaimed, dropping the letter to the floor. "I guess the latest outburst at school was simply too much for the school board. I hope they won't keep her and Ranma too long." Brushing her long brown hair back over her shoulder she quickly retrieved the errant page.

"Sis," Nabiki replied patting her on the shoulder "from the damage estimates we received they had no choice but to plead temporary insanity. The charges against the three of them were too much for even Kuno to foot the bill without requesting help from his father. And you know how much he hates his father. We'll be lucky if they get out before spring. Besides, maybe they can help her."

Nabiki handed a letter with 'To the parents of: Ranma Satome" on it in bold letters to her older sister, while her mind went through the various ways she could use this to their benefit.

"Do you really think so?" Kasumi asked with a faint smile on her face, imagining a quiet day at home where she wasn't required to put her contractor's license to use rebuilding some portion of her home.

"As long as they don't mistake Ranma for female and put him in the same ward everything should work out fine." Nabiki smirked considering how Ranma's luck usually ran.


	2. An explanation for my spamfic

OK Thanks to a change in the rules for I am being forced to write at least a little more to avoid breaking the rules. So here goes . . .

A very familiar short haired girl rolled naked on a huge pile of yen, laughing gleefully as she threw handfuls of cash into the air and let it rain down upon her slender form.

A soft "Oh, my!" came from the vicinity of her bedroom door, distracting her from her revelry. With a startled "EEP!" she did a credible imitation of Scrooge McDuck and burrowed into the pile till only her eyes were visible.

A rather nervous Kasumi closed the door quickly behind her and asked in a trembling whisper "Nabiki, dear? Should I expect the police to arrive shortly asking abought a bank robbery, or have you finally made good on your threat and sold Mr.Satome on the black market as an endangered animal?"

"No no no no!" Nabiki gasped out breathlessly. "It's all legal! I just sold the whereabouts of Ranma and Akane to the fiancées and other interested parties. Robbing banks is too dangerous and Genma would just escape once he managed to get a hold of some hot water." Nabiki blinked at seeing Kasumi's shoulders seemed to droop a little at the news that Genma hadn't been sold. Surely she must have imagined that last bit.

"Well you could always ask Elder Cologne to teach you how to apply the Full Body Cat's Tongue Pressure point."

'OK maybe I wasn't imagining it.' Nabiki thought to herself while making a mental note of what to do for Kasumi when her birthday rolled around.

With a visible effort Kasumi steered the conversation back to where she had come in. "So how did you get all of this just for telling everyone where they were?" She paused for a second and before Nabiki could answer asked another question. "And how in the world are you dogpaddling in a pool of yen?"

Nabiki's arms swayed gently in front of her keeping her head and shoulders above the currency while Kasumi peeked under her bed trying to see if she could find her sister's legs.

"I can answer the first of your questions but the second one is a secret!" Nabiki answered with a grin while backstroking lazily in her bed as if it was swimming pool.

Kasumi smiled sunnily and ignored her sister breaking the laws of physics. She had plenty of practice ignoring the impossible since the Satomes had moved in.

"Shampoo and Ukyou each paid a modest amount. The majority actually came from Kodachi." Nabiki's smile actually out shone Kasumi's for a moment as she related the days events.

Sasuke escorted Nabiki from the gate of the Kuno estate through the grounds carefully disarming traps and rearming them behind her. "Mistress Kodachi awaits you in the library. I hope you like Earl Grey. It's all she'll drink since she saw some interview abought some American sci-fi actor."

Sasuke had been a bit surprised at his Mistress' fondness for American sci-fi series but felt it wasn't his place to comment on. Though he did wonder why she kept sending Master Tachi those red shirted uniforms from the show even though he had showed no interest in it himself. 'He started wearing them as undergarments just before Satome started school. I wonder if that's why he's been losing so badly. Maybe they're a bit too constrictive?'

Nabiki nodded, a smirk upon her lips as she strode along, her mind sorting through and discarding opening gambits to her dealings with Kodachi. 'Hmmm. Perhaps a little added pressure by mentioning the pig tailed girl is with him. . .'

Kodachi sat quietly drinking her tea, awaiting the appearance of that charmingly mercenary Tendo girl, who had news of her beloved Ranma-Sama.

She hadn't seen him in a little over a week and she was beginning to get worried. Sure her intended was manly enough to take on any challenge, but she still worried that some hussy would sink her claws into him if his darling Kodachi wasn't there to protect him from them. He was so delightfully naive that way.

"Greetings Nabiki Tendo. I believe you mentioned to my manservant that you had news of my darling Ranma?" Kodachi gestured to the chair across from her. While the library was impressive and could be used to awe most of the lower caste individuals she came in contact with, it was the view behind her that she found especially useful when dealing with strong willed individuals.

Nabiki calmly took her seat accepting the tea held out by Sasuke and taking a sip. "Mmmm Earl Grey." She commented warmly, as if it was her favorite blend.

Kodachi's smile widened a few centimeters. She knew Nabiki probably preferred one of the orange teas that were so popular these days, but it was her willingness to follow the rules of polite society and pretend otherwise that made her such a delight to deal with.

Nabiki sipped her tea, pretending her view of Midori's pond was a happy accident while outlining the information she had for sale. At the mention of Ranma, Kodachi gave a happy little sigh. When Nabiki mentioned the pigtailed girl, Kodachi began to get tense and glanced around the room nervously, as if awaiting for the shadows to attack her. As Nabiki began winding down her pitch and mentioned the mental ward, her eyes shot open and she jumped to her feet.

"Thank you miss Tendo, your timely warning shall not be forgotten!"

With this, Kodachi was on her feet and out the door yelling commands to Sasuke, as she threw a rather large bundle of cash at her stunned guest.

Nabiki gave a happy little sigh as she climbed out of her bed and shook out her hair, sending yen notes flying to the far corners of her room.

Kasumi blinked and thought to herself for a moment as Nabiki dressed. "But that makes no sense at all." She said exasperatedly.

"I know. I questioned Sasuke abought it after Kodachi had left and he explained it all to me." Nabiki was visibly shaking from trying to withhold the laughing fit that was steadily building.

"Apparently Kodachi witnessed Ranma changing one day and mentioned it to Kuno. He assumed she had ingested some rather exotic drugs and arranged an intervention. Now just try and imagine an intervention abought the dangers of drug abuse held by Kuno and his father!" Nabiki fell back on her bed laughing merrily only to have Kasumi join her a second later.

After a quarter of an hour they had both calmed down enough for Nabiki to continue. "And that's not even the best part. Apparently they weren't satisfied that the intervention had been enough and tried to trick her into going to the hospital by convincing her that Tachi was in the hospital and it was her family duty to visit him. So she took my mention of Ranma and the pigtailed girl followed by the talk of her brother and the mental hospital to be me warning her abought her family's plans. She is hiding out in Hawaii at the moment and has ordered Sasuke to obey me as he would her."

"But isn't that dishonest?" Kasumi asked worriedly.

"Not at all." Nabiki replied "Because as it turns out, Kuno senior had planned to put her in the mental ward, to be close to her Ranma-Sama. So all I did was warn her of a plot against her that I didn't even know existed, while not knowing I was warning her." Nabiki grinned wildly. "Only in Nermia!"

Ukyou smiled as she strode into the hospital. "Who do I see abought being committed?"

Authors Notes!

An explanation for my spamfic.

OK. I put this in the parody section because it was just a one  
shot off the cuff 3 AM idea. Not to be takin' seriously or  
looked at in depth. I've had enough reviews posted that  
I might as well respond.

I like it so far! I wonder where you're going to go with this... Update soon! JenJen-chan

AN: Sorry it's not going anywhere.

The "Mad Cow" bit is a low blow. The two mega-reviews have a point that it would take a LOT of damage for them to be committed, and Ranma could in all probability claim self- defense, but I agree with you that it's not worth it to complain; if you really wanted to you could have dug up a very good reason, I'm sure. taku's review was funny. My only actual complaint is this: I wish you had told us what "galeophobia" was. I'm going to look it up. I'll be annoyed if you made it up. I agree thst the mega-reviewers, in this case, should "chill out".

AN: Here ya go.

galeophobia - ( ) A fear of cats

galeanthropy - ( ) The delusion that one is a cat

As you can see Galeophobia is a fear of cats. Ranma suffers from Galeanthropy when his Galeophobia gets to be too much to bear. I googled it! The damage done to the school was arranged by the Principal ahead of time. He managed to maneuver the three into fighting inside the school itself when everyone was evacuated for a fire drill. He had C-4 planted at a few strategic places so that the building would collapse behind them. Yes he could pay for it but he would not allow his son to do so. The whole point was to get them committed to a psychiatric facility he had influence over so he could bring his son closer to his fierce tigresses and possibly get Ranma a bowl cut. The fact that he had plans for a complete redesign of the school in a tropical theme is completely beside the point. Hehehe.

BTW The reason the profiles don't seem like they were written by professionals is because they weren't. Kuno Senior wrote them and had his secretary go over it before mailing it. Her views on the characters involved are what we mainly see as Kuno Sr. couldn't bring himself to write enough on his son to justify having him committed. Besides not wanting a bowl cut and seeing surfing as a plebian sport just didn't cut it.

Her son was involved in a small altercation with Akane when he asked her where the women's restroom was and received a mallet to the head that broke his nose and knocked out two of his front teeth. Why did he ask? He was delivering a box of toilet paper to the janitor who was working on a leaky pipe in there and filling the toilet dispensers. His mom often used him as a gopher at school in between classes. Thus the Mad Cow crack was born.

I agree Taku's review was great!

.i dun't get it therefore i think its kinda crappish apie

AN: Yes it is. grin

This is an insult. My former major was in psychology, so I found this story

extremely hard to digest as funny, even if it's suppose to be a humor. Though I applaud you for the the try.

However, take into consideration that the entire Ranma arch was basically one long comedy. So, in order to write a humor for Ranma, you NEED to use basic

Ranma facts as a base point.

The school, on several occassions, has had it's share of explosions, ki blasts, martial arts fights, and whirlwind. So why couldn't the expenses be covered this time? Also, I never seen Kuno do much more damage than cutting down a tree and slicing through a wall. I doubt Akane can do half as much damage as Kuno could.

At best, she'd only be able to bring down a few classroom walls and destroy the desks. Ranma, at the most, has only been able to cause a large hole in the ground with the Hiryuu Shoten Ha by himself. So, meaning, that at best, Ranma, by himself, couldn't destroy the entire school. Even with the help of Kuno and Akane. Hell, you can throw in Ryouga and Mousse and they couldn't really destroy the school to the point where the Kunos couldn't cover it.

I've seen char. bashings in my days my friends, but this fic has ended up along with the top twos.

Neohowler

AN: Read above for some of your answers. As for the rest. . .

1. Take out a couple of support beams and you can collapse an entire building with very little force.

2. Who beat me in character bashing?

The human form of Mad Cow Disease (BSE -- Bovine Spongiform Encepalopathy) is called Creutzfeldt Jakob Disease (CJD). That's why there's so much hysteria

about Mad Cow Disease: people are afraid eating beef from one of those Mad Cows can give them CJD.

I don't think your psychological analyses actually exist (God complex?). You could actually lock up the majority of the cast for various psychological problems, though I think Ranma and Akane would be more to the middle of a list like that. Definitely below Kuno, though.

AK-47

AN: Yes people can catch mad cow disease. However the secretary  
isn't well versed in medical jargon and just thought it described  
Akane rather well. God Complex is just a laymen's term for  
'delusions of grandeur' or 'megalomania ' .

Heh, nice little spamicish twist there at the end :) Of course, since this IS Ranma-world, what Nabiki said will what, of course, happens.

-Joshua

AN: Yep that's the unwritten plan.

Necratoid and Darketernal

AN: Too big to bother with and mostly answered by My review that I tossed in. The signed reviews only is a default setting and no work of mine. I have since corrected it.

This was meant to be a Parody. Hence the listing under Humour/Parody. If this had been a real fic the story you just read would have been longer and actually followed cannon in most points. I probably would have tossed in a plot as well.

Writing a review longer then the piece itself is a bit much. Take some time off and relax a little.

Dogbertcarroll

I'm actually continuing it now. I had a really weird idea and decided to inflict. . . I mean bless you all with my continuing story!


	3. Moving further from Spamfic central

-----------------Nermia Prefecture, Dr.Opus's Wellness Center -------------- ---  
Ward B - Male Side  
  
Ukyou grumbled to herself 'Stupid father. Just had to change all my records to male. I can't believe I forgot I was registered as a guy.' She briefly tried to smother her head under her pillow to block out the noises her roommate was making. Even in her worst nightmare she had never imagined THIS happening to her.  
  
It wouldn't have been so bad if she had gotten some other person for a roommate. Heck if it had been Ranma she would have been jumping for joy. The possibility of ending up as his roommate was why she hadn't originally complained when she discovered their mistake. Well at least she would be able to see her Ranchan in the morning after they finished her paperwork and scheduled her therapy sessions.  
  
A little creative storytelling abought her life, and her relationship with her fiancé and she was in. Most of what she had said was true. She had just left out any mention of gender and made sure to include how everything had made her feel. 'Like I'm still that little girl that was left on the side of the road. A castaway that no one wants around. Useless and worthless. . .' Ukyou gritted her teeth and buried her pain trying to concentrated on the positive aspects of her situation.  
  
She was locked in a mental ward with Ranma. She smiled slightly at that thought 'and no other fiancées to interrupt a little quiet time with my Ranma honey.' Who would have guessed that they would separate the wards according to sex here? 'Not me, that's for damn sure.' When you looked at it that way, her father had done her a favor. If not for the paperwork saying she was a guy she could be stuck with Akane right now, instead of being the only female presence near her future husband. A little time alone together without anyone to interfere and he would see that she was the best one for him. She'd never abandon him or make him feel unwanted. He would see she was the only one who really cared.  
  
The only fly in the ointment was a roommate who was surely going to drive her insane. 'Well at least I'm already signed up for therapy. It wouldn't be so bad if he would just stop reading the damn things out loud, but as long as I can be with my Ranma I can put up with anything.'  
  
-----------------Nermia Prefecture, Dr.Opus's Wellness Center -------------- ---  
Ward B - Female Side  
  
Ranma grumbled to herself while holding an icepack up to her eye. It wasn't his fault he was stuck on the female side. It's not like he meant for this to happen. All it had taken was one splash of orange juice and suddenly they transferred him. When he tried to explain things they had nodded and taken notes pretending to believe him, and then whoosh, here he was on the female side anyway.  
  
There was only one possible way things could have been worse, so sure enough they had made sure that was done too.  
  
He had actually been looking forward to the mental ward strangely enough. A quiet place where he would be fed and allowed to sleep with no waking up in mid air or by buckets of cold water. No people jumping out at him and yelling 'Ranma Prepare to Die! or Vile Sorcerer release my Love!' or the ever popular 'Get Him!'.  
  
The very concept of being given enough time to relax and let his guard down was so amazing that he had actually fainted. 'I didn't do nothin' girlish like faint. All I did was test them by pretending to faint.' He corrected himself quickly.  
  
He knew that if pops had heard abought it he was in for a lecture that would last from sunup to sundo ... well till he lost his temper and knocked the old man out anyway, or splashed him with some cold water. Once the old man really got going he wouldn't even notice he had changed, and it actually was a little entertaining just nodding along and pretending to listen while he grumped and growled thinking he was talking.  
  
Waking up and finding himself in a bed in a nice quiet room without anything new hurting had been almost unbelievable. He had almost pass ou. ... taken another nap just to see if they were testing him, but a quick search of the room had shown it to be empty of fiancées and rivals. There was even a tray of food next to his bed, and while it wasn't anywhere near Kasumi standards it had been miles above Akane's attempts at poiso ... cooking.  
  
It had actually gotten unnerving after a while. He had started flinching at every noise and glaring at the shadows, positive that someone was going to attack him. It had been hours since someone had tried to kill him. He was definitely overdue. He was sure there was a fist, foot, or glomp with his name on it somewhere close by, just waiting for him to lower his guard.  
  
He had gone up for a fifth serving in the chow line at the cafeteria and no one had complained or attempted to steal his food from him. Things were going too well. He was being allowed to eat in peace and he hadn't been assaulted once since he got here.  
  
The tension level was beginning to get unbearable. Something big must be coming, something really, really, big. The only times it had ever been this quiet had been because the Kamis had been planning something really, truly horrific. He might as well tattoo 'Ranma Satome: Fate's Bitch' on his forehead with the way his life had been going lately.  
  
What would it be this time? A new fiancée? A ca.. feline attacking him? A fiancée who was also a feline attacking him?  
  
It was at that point that a patient walking behind him dropped a fork on the floor.  
  
***************  
  
After a while of observing Ranma twitch the doctors had decided the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was definitely likely, and had one of the orderlies fetch a ladder so Dr.Okamoto could talk him down from the ceiling where he was currently located.  
  
It took 15 minutes and the doctor had to swear on his honor that he wasn't a practitioner of some obscure form of martial arts dealing with ink blots and weird questions. It would have gone quicker, but for some reason Ranma had developed an innate distrust of paunchy bald men who wore glasses.  
  
'I knew I shoudn'ta trusted him. I shoulda listened to my gut. Sure he pretended to be nice and understandin'. He even let me bitch abought my life for a while, but then that nurse guy had to go and spill that juice all over me.' She snorted 'Bet he did it on purpose too. Probably mad cause I called him a nurse guy. How was I suppose to know they ain't called that? It's not like we ever covered any of that junk in school.'  
  
She sighed and waved down one of the nurses, proper female nurses on this side, so they could tell her that her eye was fine and that she could go back to bed.  
  
'Can't believe they stuck me in a room with the Tomboy. What are the odds of that happening?' She reached up and scratched her left boob while walking down the hall and back to her room considerably more relaxed then he had been earlier.  
  
***************  
  
"So Doctor what do you think?" The nurse handed him the chart waiting to hear abought their latest and strangest patient.  
  
"Well according to this she suffers from some very severe problems. Not the least of which is the delusion that she can turn into a guy with the application of hot water, and from the events this night I would say a complete lack of knowledge abought anything remotely dealing with sex. I'm scheduling an appointment with Dr.Mido for tomorrow afternoon. That at least is one problem we can easily fix."  
  
"Mido, Miko? Isn't she the new sex therapist?"  
  
"Yes and I can't think of anyone more qualified to explain the facts of life to her. Plus she practices her family's school of martial arts which should give them something in common. You'd be amazed at how often just having someone practice the same hobby sets people at ease. Almost forgot. Be sure to keep all hot liquids away from Ms.Satome. Dr.Okamoto suggested we try not to reinforce her delusions. That includes the shower in the room by the way. Have it adjusted tonight while she's asleep."  
  
"I'll make a note of it doctor." 


	4. Crossover in Blue

-----------------Nermia Prefecture, Dr.Opus's Wellness Center -------------- ---  
Miko Mido's Office 3rd Floor

Miko Mido smiled broadly as she strolled into her new office.

She had passed her final exams in college with top marks and gotten hired in record time. Everything was working out as she had planned it, for once in her life.

Dr.Opus's Wellness Center had even been willing to accept a recent graduate

with no practical experience. Actually that had been a bit troubling at first, but they had assured her that experience would come with time and that an open mind and some martial arts skills were all that was really needed. Finding out it was in Nermia had just clinched it for her.

Nermia was know far and wide as the place with the greatest concentration of martial artists and lunatics in all of Japan. With a license saying she was fully trained as a sexual therapist and a 5th dan in akido as well, she was considered well and truly qualified to practice in Nermia..

Akido training was always a useful cover when you practiced a form of martial arts that wasn't well know outside of a certain circle of people and other . . . things. You may not be able to hide the fact that you're trained in the martial arts but it was relatively easy to disguise which branch.

Further investigation had shown that the last three sexual therapists who had worked here had quit, with at least two of them requiring therapy themselves, but she was sure she could handle it.

"I wonder why everyone I asked mumbled something abought underwear and left?" She shrugged and decided that particular investigation could be left until later.

Feeling a slight draft she quickly checked herself. "Yep, forgot them again. Well at least I can't have any trouble with something I don't have."

Glancing around her office she couldn't help but think that regardless of how tough the job turned out to be, at least they provided top notch equipment. This room was practically designed for her. Hell it almost looked like it was designed by her.

The room itself was huge, with 12 foot ceilings and more then enough room to practice martial arts. The king size bed with the trapeze certainly took care of the marital arts as well. 'Is that a hot tub over there?'

'Wow. They must have had to toss in a lot of perks to get therapists here.' She thought grimly. 'I hope I haven't bit off more then I can chew, even the office area of my office had an obscenely large desk.'

Taking a deep breath she let herself relax a little, reassuring herself that whatever they threw at her she had the tools to handle it. 'After all, compared to the Shikima my patients are going to be a cake walk.'

Now the only question in her mind was if she had enough time to try out the the hot tub before she dealt with her first case. "Decisions, decisions, decisions!"

Unnoticed by the good doctor, a pair of softly glowing green eyes watched her from inside a ventilation duct in the ceiling and two of the houseplants sneezed.

-----------------Nermia Prefecture, Dr.Opus's Wellness Center -------------- ---  
Ward B - Female Side

Ranma splashed her face with cold water from the sink and scrubbed gently trying to rinse the dried blood off.

They had moved Akane to another room and upped her meds… repeatedly. Yet somehow, despite being on enough tranqs to calm a rhino in mid charge, she kept getting up to hit him.

She clearly wasn't all there, yet somehow she had still managed to walk right past the orderlies unchecked. Every couple of hours she would begin to toss and turn until finally arising and walking right past the orderlies and down the hall into Ranma's room.

The orderlies were changed frequently and they had even attempted to strap her down once. Except for smiling a little wider in her sleep it had no effect.

She had snapped the restraints like they were wet toilet paper and smiled gently at the orderlies, who would stand around stupidly while she walked past them and into Ranma's room.

When later called to task for their actions they were at a loss to explain it. She just seemed so nice that they were loathe to disturb her. A few had mumbled incoherent explanation as to how it was all Ranma's fault, but a quick review of the tapes from the surveillance cameras had put a stop to that nonsense.

'I don't get her ' Ranma thought 'It seems like every time I fell asleep last night she came in and hit me, and she barely put any force behind it neither.' He glanced over at his blood stained pillow and blankets. 'If she keeps this up I'm gonna' bleed to death in a couple of days.'

His thoughts however, were at odds with the slight smile gracing her lips as he remembered her last 'visit'.

Akane's smile had been more reminiscent of Kasumi's radiance then her own particular brand of cute. He had awoken almost instantly as he felt her presence in his room but had found himself frozen in place at the sight of her smile.

She had then whipped out the mother of all mallets and swung it like she was trying to make Ranma the world's first human propelled astronaut, but when it had hit it had felt like a pillow.

Giggling, Akane had bounced out of the room. Leaving Ranma to watch her retreating form, and then the back of her hospital gown had billowed open and in a spray of blood Ranma had passed out.

Regaining consciousness Ranma had been left with a few questions he couldn't answer. 'Where did she get a Nerf mallet that size? Why am I pulling a Ryoga all of a sudden?'

His mind slowly drifted back to how she looked in that gown as she turned, and it had opened up in the back showing . . .

With a dopey grin, and yet another spray of blood, Ranma collapsed once more.


	5. Mistakes were made!

**Disclaimer: I did not sleep with that women. Errr… sorry, wrong one. Lets try again. **

**I do not own any anime series, depending on what your definition of 'own' is.**

**- - - - -**

**Nermia Prefecture, Dr.Opus's Wellness Center  
Miko Mido's Office 3rd Floor**

Miko relaxed in the hot tub, naked as a jay bird… minus the feathers of course. The feathered costumes she had on hand just weren't waterproof. She'd have to see about fixing that once she'd settled in. At the very least she needed to get them scotchguarded.

Sighing happily, she read through the file on one Ranma Satome/Ranko Tendo, carefully holding it above the bubbling water. Blinking at the mass of contradictory information in the file she began to wonder exactly how things had gotten this confusing.They couldn't even determine the sex of the guy/girl involved for very long.

'Hermaphrodite maybe?'

It would explain the gender confusion at least. Two separate doctors had examined the… patient and arrived at two completely different and contradictory answers. It was the only answer that made sense. The dual names might have something to do with some of the marriage agreements mentioned in the file, five complete pages of 11 ½ inch legal paper, filled out front and back, listing engagements and or marriage contracts… in very small print

At first glance she thought it was crazy, upon realizing that it was just an index with references to the 28 volume legal documents available she knew it was!

'Multiple marriage agreements… for both male and female? This just gets stranger and stranger.'

She paused as she read the dual stats for height and weight, as well as hair color.

'That can't be right. I can buy a hermaphrodite confusing a couple of docs who had only heard about the condition before, but the nurses take the vital stats and there's no way they would screw up something like this. This has to be some sort of a mistake.'

A rustle from near her desk drew her attention away from the file she was reading. Silently she slipped out of the hot tub, setting the file on the wetbar as she passed it, intent on her quarry.

'Shikima?'

Slinking around her desk she saw a diminutive figure rummaging through her 'costumes' closet.

With a startled cry of "Underwear Gnomes!", she dove forward trying to capture it.

Dodging aside, the small figure fumbled the pile of feminine undergarments it was collecting, sending them flying.

"My silkies!"

Happosai was shocked at the speed the new Doc had demonstrated as well as her stealth. Her license said Sex Therapist not kunoichi! Being the master of martial arts that he was, it took only a fraction of a second for Happosai to realize his opponent was naked and female, _Very female!_ With a speed and grace that bellied his age and all laws of physics he did a quick 180º turn in midair and headed straight for her welcoming bosom. At least he was until she called out "Nipple cutter!" and her nipples began to glow a harsh red.

With eyes widening in horror Happosai once again thumbed his nose at the laws of gravity and inertia by zipping downward between her legs. The fact that he didn't even stop for a quick grope on the way through and seemed to be avoiding touching her naked flesh altogether, made Sasuke gasp out in disbelief. If Happosai was no longer groping beautiful naked women then something was seriously wrong. The next thing you knew Akane would admit she couldn't cook or Master Kuno would start making sense! Well… let's not go that far.

Unfortunately the startled gasp had drawn her attention and Sasuke found himself dodging her as well when her left foot had knocked him from his hiding place behind the houseplant.

Nin-Nin, upon seeing his mistress in danger, dove from his hiding place in the ventilation system. He had planned to help his mistress, unfortunately he had just replaced his own Ninjawear™ and resembled the other two more then his usual disreputable self.

"Aaarrrggghhh! Ninja Underwear Gnomes!"

The battle quickly degenerated into an all out brawl, as all four had completely different goals in mind.

Happosai was trying to escape, but kept pausing to try and regain his silky treasures.

Sasuke was just trying to avoid being flattened, but kept finding himself thrown back into the fight by Happosai, who was using him as a distraction.

Nin-Nin was alternately attacking the two and trying to avoid being hit by his Mistress.

Miko was just trying to flatten the three.

It was at that point that Ranma entered her office.

**- - - - -**

**-----------------Nermia Prefecture, Dr.Opus's Wellness Center -----------------  
...Ward B - Male Side...**

Ukyou grumbled to herself, while trying to get out of the straight jacket they'd put her in.

Who would have guessed that trying to kill your roommate was against the rules? She was sure that if she had succeeded she could have gotten away with justifiable homicide. It was bad enough that he had stayed up all night writing bad poetry and babbling like an idiot, but morning had shown a new horror. Ukyou shuddered slightly in remembrance.

She wasn't fond of _that_ Jackass and considered being placed in the same room for a prolonged period of time was a form of slow torture, but she was prepared to put up with all that and more to get to spend some time with her honey. What she hadn't been prepared for was for Kuno to start making sense.

It had started off slowly. Kuno would occasionally say something that made a little sense while throwing yet another one of his crappy poems in the trash, but as morning approached he had started to make more and more sense and that just could not be borne.

Take away her freedom? Fine. She could deal with that.

Take away her dignity? Not a problem. She could handle that.

Take away her sanity? Not a chance!

The last thing she wanted was to end up like the rest of the Nermian weirdoes.

Futilely struggling against the 'I-Love-Me' jacket she muttered various curses under her breath.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Dr.Okamoto?"

The Doc glanced up from his vacation request form. "Yes, Can I help you?"

Entering the office, one of the nurse guys… err orderlies looked a bit nervous. "I know you asked us to do a quiet check on the patients in the ward to make sure they were all the proper sex and well…"

"Out with it son, I don't bite."

Relaxing a little the orderly cleared his throat and spoke up once more. "One of the patients in room 37 has breasts. I noticed them while we were breaking up a fight between her and her roommate."

Dr.Okamoto nodded to himself. He had thought one of them seemed a bit off. In retrospect it was rather obvious. "Don't worry son, I'll handle it. You did the right thing."

Ushering the man out of his office, he quickly finished his paperwork and told his secretary to have Ms. Kuno assigned to the female side of the ward after a three day 'Gender Acceptance' course.

'The love poetry should have been a dead giveaway. I guess the files for Tatewaki and Kodachi got mixed up.'

Picking up his suitcase and dropping the completed vacation request form (marked _**NOW!!!**_ in purple crayon) on his desk, Dr.Okamoto left his office and this story.


	6. Paranoid Who, me?

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Ranma ½, or BSSM. In point of fact I'd like to point out that I own no anime series whatsoever. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure all the ideas I'm using have been used by other people before too and to much better effect. Why are you reading this anyway?

**Nermia Prefecture, Dr.Opus's Wellness Center  
Miko Mido's Office 3rd Floor **

Ranma whistled through her teeth happily, as she strolled off the elevator and down the hall.

'Wonder what a 'sex therapist' does. Doc said something about filling in some blanks for me and the Kami knows I could use it. Pops never gave me **The Talk**… exactly, not unless animal husbandry means something more then Akari mentioned when she was talking about her farm. Then again she does like Ryoga's curse…'

Shaking her head, in a futile attempt to remove _that_ particular image from her mind, Ranma started checking door numbers for her appointment with Dr.Mido.

5 minutes later…

Smiling to herself (Images of a small black pig and a naked farm girl had faded) Ranma sighed as she finally found the door she was looking for. 'Why'd they have to go and stick it this far from all the other offices?'

Reaching for the doorknob, Ranma felt a sense of foreboding she hadn't felt since Akane had tried to cook lasagna (3 dead, 12 injured, Lasagna still at large). Shrugging it off, as she had all common sense upon entering Nerima, Ranma opened the door. After all, how bad could it be?

Ranma watched blankly as a _very_ naked woman fought with several of the smallest ninjas she had ever seen, right in front of her.

A cry of "Projectile Pubis!" from the woman sent several of her… hairs flying through the air like throwing spikes, only to miss their target and slam into the door frame right next to Ranma's head.

Nodding absently to herself, she calmly stepped back and closed the door. Reading the name plate on the door, and checking it against the paper she had in her hand.

'Let's see… I can go in and break up the fight, get mauled and have everything blamed on me, or I can wait until they solve it on their own, which ain't likely, but at least she'll have less energy to beat on me with.'

Smiling to herself, Ranma sat down, leaning against the wall and waited for the fight to end, or at least tire everyone involved enough that she wouldn't have a problem with handling them. After all, Ranma was on **vacation**.

Ranma had heard about Vacations before. She had even gone on a few with the Tendos, but since she always ended up doing the same things she did on a daily basis (just in a new place) she decided they were more along the lines of a working holiday then an actual _vacation_, but here she was, in a place where she was promised food and sleep with no one attacking her, and she'd be damned if she didn't get a Vacation out of it!

Leaning against the wall and waiting for the small surges of chi she sensed, as special techniques were used, to die down she whistled cheerfully. Completely at ease Ranma barely noticed another ninja's approach, as it silently glided from shadow to shadow.

"Can't go in Konatsu. You're just too tall."

Blinking at this non-sequitur Konatsu paused for a moment before stepping out of the shadows and replying.

"Pardon me Ranma-domo, I am searching for Mistress Ukyou. Do you know where she might be?"

Glancing up and taking in the cutely dressed male kunoichi (A pink suit of Ninja-wear?) as if for the first time, Ranma nodded and stretched out her senses.

Konatsu suppressed a shiver as he watched Ranma's eyes take on a faint blue glow for a moment.

It seemed like every day Ranma-dono's power grew. Not that anyone really seemed to notice, but as a kunoichi, Konatsu had been trained to take note of the smallest ripple that would denote a change in the water and expose a shark. Ranma had shown ripples in abundance.

He learned techniques and styles at an insane speed, yet never seemed to use them in his daily battles, despite the many times he had shown himself to be a genius at adapting and expanding techniques.

He had turned a simple speed exercise from the amazons into a technique that allowed him to strike an opponent hundreds of times in the space of a blink.

Konatsu wondered briefly if he insisted on wearing silk because it was the only material that could stand the strain of moving ones entire body at that speed.

And yet somehow no one seemed to notice…

"18 feet up and 32 feet north."

Startled out of his thoughts by Ranma's laconic answer, Konatsu just bowed and scurried off into the shadows.

A softly spoken "Projectile Pubis" drew his attention to Ranma's relaxed form, as he watched a 'needle?' shoot out of Ranma's crotch and nail a fly to the wall.

Shivering slightly, Konatsu drew the shadows around him like a cloak and sped off.

Ranma watched Konatsu slip away into the shadows. 'I've never seen him do that before.'

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**A.N.:** Yes I am using the godlike version of Ranma. He's only going to be the main character for a dozen or so chapters before I pick on a couple of others. I've never felt that any of the canon pairings worked, so I'm trying for something different.

**Ryoga and Ukyou:** Have little in common and Ryoga would continually get lost, making it hard for him to help run a restaurant and I doubt Ukyou really wants a husband who can double for an entrée.

**Mousse and Shampoo:** Work in the same way that Kuno and Akane work. In other words, they don't. I don't think obsessive stalker types who like to grope and fondle their 'Object Of Obsession™' against their will, while attempting to murder anyone their O³ loves, is romantic. I think it's sick.

**Kuno and Nabiki:** LOL! Do I really need to go into that one?

**Tofu and Kasumi:** She wants someone older and exciting. One out of two just doesn't cut it. Unless he can be cured of his tendency to go nuts around Kasumi it's a moot point anyway. They moved him off the series when it became apparent that he looked to be in his early 20's and always had since the day he had arrived in Nerima nearly a decade ago, yet had nearly as much knowledge and skill as Happosai and Cologne. Truthfully I think he's wandering the world trying to find a way to put an end to the Arch-Lich Betty-Chan who has sworn he will never know love as long as she **exists!!!** Umm… ignore that.

**Ranma and Akane: **Oil and water mix better then these two. I don't care how much you love someone, I can see these two ending up on the Nerima's version of C.O.P.S. nightly. Nevertheless I plan R/A in this fic. Nobody said I couldn't toss in a couple of others tho'!


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